You Know I had a strange thought the other day....

I was starting to decorate for Christmas, and the first thing I always do is give the fireplace its yearly cleaning. I had 2 reasons for doing this, the second being that our furnace is not working correctly and I knew daily fires were on the horizon over the week end till we could get it fixed on Monday. Any way, Cleaning the fireplace for Christmas.

I reach in under the insert that blows hot air out when the fire is hot to open the shoot. I start pushing all the ash towards said shoot so it will tumble softly down the darkness and be gone. Puffs of grayness rise due to my disturbing action, which dances around till it finds my nose. The smell of ash. My life has been like Cinderella lately.... Life among the ashes.... waiting, no not for a prince, waiting.... for breathing, waiting for light and life.

Sifting my Mother�s ashes came to mind. I sifted them so they could be put where she wanted discreetly with no bone fragments left to be discovered. It is a wonder when you see what the human body of one you love can be diminished to.
I also realized as the puffs of ash found my nose that ash from the fireplace and ash from a human body smell and taste totally different; something I have never contemplated.

Ash in the fireplace smell old, musty, woodsy, and when the particles make their way from nose to taste buds they burn and you want to spit, blow your nose, and get a drink of water; while remember the warmth that started the process.

Human ashes are finer, lighter, cleaner, and when the particles dance up into your nose and incredible warmth and sadness waltzes into your body all the way from your nose to your heart. I looked at my arms, hands, and clothes and I realized that I had my Mother all over me... no voice, no arms to hug me, no beautiful face with deep hazel eyes to touch or look into, no sitting in peaceful silence together, no contentment with each other, not tears, laughter, joking around, no more feeling the pain of dying for either of us. Yet standing there on the back porch with my Mother all over me my body was alive with her and I felt her arms around me, and I felt the tears, the laughter, I saw her eyes before my eyes, I felt the fights of growing up, saw the pain on her face due to my sickness and heart brakes of my life, felt the joy in her that I was her daughter, there in the grayness that covered my body.

She is always with me because I am her, she created me inside her mind and body. I look in the mirror, into my eyes and I see her. I love her and their for she will remain warm and safe inside me until I become ash. Then my ash will blow in the wind among the trees and sky as her ash did when the wind kicked up and the grayness lifted from the table and my body to where ever it had to go, less then what it was when it had life and yet, more, so much more; she was free, she knew everything now, becoming part of everything she loved with all her heart and soul. That I realized was what she craved and reach for all her life, to feel things totally, truly, becoming one with everything while dealing with the pain and sadness that being an empath can bring to a human body. So I stood there, opened the bag more, and released her into the wind, my final gift of love.

(Now on to Grandma cause she's been in her little box way too long.... almost 15 years. Yes, on to Grandma.....)

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