2003-12-04 - 12:15 a.m.
Volcanocam
Storm�s coming in tonight, thought I�d best up date as so much has been going on here. Could be high winds for a couple of days and no power. Where to begin, where to begin. . . .
I want to start with my appointment with the Psychiatrist that Michael sent me to, but I should probable mention that my husband decided to cut his finger vertically on the table saw in the garage the day after Thanksgiving! Apparently cutting your finger on a table saw is like cutting wood; you cut it against the grain your screwed, with the grain you get a good cut of wood and you get to keep your finger! My husband get�s to keep his finger, though he did cut off some of the bone also. So that was some excitement I could have done without (my husband too) but the firemen were nice to look at! Thanksgiving was nice, I rebelled and said �No� to the big family thing so pats on the back for me!
So I am off the Wellbutrin and I am one happy camper! A lot of the weird stuff that was happening has stopped happening and I have gone from feeling like I�ve been on an acid trip and going insane to feeling pretty damn good! I am NEVER taking that shit again! In fact I am going to do my best to do this drug free as I have been on 4, count it people, 4 anti depressants in my life and they have all just messed me up more and made the depression I was having at the time hell.
I saw the Psychiatrist Monday . . . I was nervous. Mostly because I knew that if he wanted to put me back on medication we were going to have a fight. Well I was going to start a fight because after all Michael at this point didn�t know I was reducing my medication and by Monday was totally off of it; yes I am sure he will have something to say about it the next time we are in session. Dr. Bill did know I was doing this, but I really didn�t want to have a fight with Michael about it, and I knew he would not be thrilled with me. The contract I signed with him did say I would tell him basically everything that was going on. Ok, I fucked up with this one and should have discussed it with him. Any way the psychiatrist, Dr. Mc David was very nice, informative, helpful, and had a better view then Michael. He recommended a book that he thought might help me with the depression (drug free), and will recommended in his report to Michael and Dr. Bill that for now I remain off medication. ROCK ON!
It was the next day when I got notice in the mail that my psych benefits had run out, so the little walk into Dr. Mc David�s office with the fantastic view cost me $217.00! This better be one hell of a book! Michael is way cheeper as I found out that from November 13th on I will have to pay $87.00 for each time I visited Michael . . . I am trying to deiced if it�s worth $87.00 to look at his fine behind and boyish charm face for an hour a week . . . . hum, I�ll get back to you on that one. . . . .
I really have too much fun at Michael�s expense, and his expense just went up till the New Year. So any way a phone call was put in to Mr. tasty tush (fuck I am in so much trouble if he reads this) and we worked it out about how we were going to deal with the lack of psych benefits until January. I should have never told him I got the book that Dr. Mc David recommended . . . �I would like you to go through the book Melissa.� He said in his calm, political correctness. �Well he didn�t tell me it had homework Michael!.� I groaned. �I would like you to go through the book Melissa.� Why is it his correctness make me crazy? Why couldn�t he just say �do the damn book Melissa!� Fuck! I swear he knows it makes me crazy, it�s probably his revenge for all the hell I�ve put him through in 9 months! It just makes me froth at the mouth and want to throw something at him and he knows it and he just sits there and gives me �that� smile; even on the phone I know I�m getting �that� smile! I�ll do the fucking book Michael, but not till after the holidays; I want to enjoy myself and stop digging through the shit for a while. That ponies got to be around here some where; maybe in 2004 I�ll finally dig it out!
On to my MRI. . . there was a moment there when I was slid inside the tube and the noise started that I thought I was going to just start screaming until they pulled me out. I have not had this feeling since Grant was killed years ago. Now I have never been claustrophobic that I can recall, but inside the tube with the mask over my face, my shoulders compressed tight, the top right above me, the heat, the little room for air to flow free, the noise; I just wanted, for a moment, to scream and scream and scream! I went cognitive instead. You see I told myself that I really didn�t want to get shoved into this tube again and that I was fine. I prayed and kept up a mental conversation with myself. Ok the 2 minute scan was done. Now the 6 minute one. About half way through the 6 minuets I was better, I didn�t want to scream any more and I had almost stopped hyperventilating. By the 3 minute scan I wished it wasn�t so damn loud as could use a little nap! I was done and slid out of the tube into the sterile air conditioning that felt so damn good! I don�t know how people who are claustrophobic do it even with sedation! I don�t know if I could do it again now that I know what it�s like! Man that was something else! How quickly my mind when in to, what ever mode it was, I have no idea, wow! I will know the out come they said in 3 to 4 days, this is what will determine if I go in and see Michael next week or not: a good out come on the MRI we will just talk on the phone, a not so good out come I�ll pay the $87.00 without a problem. It all comes down to one phone call that will either change my life and possibly my death, or not. This is where I�m at right now: waiting to see what God has in mind for me, no pun intended.
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