I don�t know. I don�t. I don�t know really what I am doing here. Don�t really feel like writing, haven�t for a few days. Well I guess that�s not true as earlier this week I went off on a writing spree, with pen and paper, not here or there, in a real live note book. Yes I know, back to the stone age it was for me. It started a day after I talked to my Uncle. Yes I did return his call. Poor guy, went to the dentist that morning and ended up having a root cannel! So on my first call I talked to his new wife, she is really nice, and seemed to know a lot about me, so I guess Uncle talked to her when he got my letter. She didn�t know why Uncle was so late but that he really wanted to talk to me that day and would call when he got home.

He did call after Noon (his appointment was at 7 am), and I could tell he was still really numbed up! I tried not to laugh cause I know how much pain you have from a root cannel after the numbing wears off! We talked for 45 minutes. It was a good talk. I knew he had been hurt by all this, watching his brother be taken over by the booze, he just can�t understand it. He is not an alcoholic, in fact he told me he was all ways kind of afraid of it. But I did find out my Grandfather had a problem with it but did something about it right away and didn�t drink ever again. I didn�t know my Grandfather, he died when I was young and before my Mother and Father were married.

He talked about how he always looked up to Dan. How Dan was so smart and popular in school. How everyone loved Danny and sometimes would call my Uncle Danny by mistake due to their admiration for my Father. My Father was always this way.... popular, loved, respected; no matter how much he drank. He was smart and had a good sense of humor too. He cared about the people he loved and seemed to always be the center of attention. May be that was part of the problem. I am the same way. No matter how much we tried not to be the center of attention, we always were. It�s a hard thing to be, put up their on that pedestal that you never asked or wanted to be on. It�s so easy to fall off of, and sometimes I must admit I willfully and purposely KICK IT OUT FROM UNDER ME! It crashes into a wall or something with a great sound, trust me, and I just smile at who ever is around to see it fall to see if they got the point. I�ve never been fond of heights, it puts you above people and I am no better or worse then anyone else; we all have our demons to tango with. We all have to have that chat with God or who ever or what ever you believe in and talk about those things that we can�t forgive ourselves for, and it is �we,� or �I;� in darkness, in most cases, you stand alone before the light. We do have free will, God forgave us a long time ago. Are you going to turn around and walk back into the darkness of self loathing, or walk forward into the light of forgiveness? Because you can do it now, right now, and then you don�t have to struggle with your decisions and regrets at that final moment. Life as well as death should never become a burden.

I don�t know how I got so lucky. I have often felt that my Father, my brother Chris and Mike, and my Mother for that matter were or are to sensitive for this world. We all lived or live with and through our hearts, knowing that what we feel in our hearts has always been more true then what rattles around in our minds. This can destroy you if you let it, some how I learned to deal with it, though I have had my moments of destruction too. Their are times when I see what is going on around me, happened to me, and in this world that I don�t think I could possibly bare anymore of it, but somehow I do and go on trying to correct what I can starting in my own back yard. That�s where it begins for me, my own back yard. You can�t help anyone deal with their stuff if you haven�t taken care of your own; no matter how bad you may want too.

I don�t know, maybe this is all mumbo jumbo; take what you need and leave the rest behind. All I know is that I don�t have to manipulate, or belittle, or with hold anything, or do violence to gain power to feel better than anyone to anyone; when really deep down inside I�m just as scared, frightened and confused as the next guy. Yet I also know I am not perfect just like everyone else, and I let myself be humbled by that because when I stand alone in the darkness I want to walk forward with out hesitation; not turn back into the darkness with a basket full of heads in my hands.

Religion is a state of mind, Spirituality is a state of heart. I�ve had to learn to carefully combine the two. God has seen fit to help me, and I try to pay attention so that my sensitivity doesn�t eat me and others alive by self will run riot. Because like I said being sensitive can destroy as well as create. the difference being is that we are so willing and able to see the good in it, but we never see the destruction because it destroys us first and then we stand their as if we have been in a black out swearing we don�t know anything about the heads in the basket and all the stories and lives and love and families behind them, we just drop the basket and run back into our darkness forever.

I have no idea how I got from where I began this to here.... I have a ear infection among other things and need to go see Dr. Bill. I don�t even know if this makes any sense! Does it? Start in your own backyard, take what you need and leave the rest behind..... it was in the things I wrote out by hand, and I don�t know why I�m writing that either. Seemed like the thing to do at the time I guess. Any way, It was good to hear my Uncles voice, we had a good talk and he will be here the end of August; I haven�t seen him in a long while. Now if I could just seem to be able to write to my Aunt and half sister...... clean up my backyard a little more, one step at a time.

(I really have to stop reading my Yahoo news page for a while).

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