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2003-09-26 - 10:45 p.m.Volcanocam

Hum . . . . in a quite strange mood tonight. So much has happened lately I hardly know where to begin. My life seems to be about loss lately, dealing with the losses that I see now have shaped my life into something I don�t want anymore; into a person I don�t want to be anymore . . . . afraid to love because I might lose them be it friend or lover.

so how did this all come about, well now that Michael and I are getting along so well he nails me left and right, and I knowing he will do this, still tell him what goes through my mind, my heart, my soul . . . everything.

I talked to my friend Tom for the first time ever, last Saturday. My home group in AA is no longer my home group. I basically was verbally, aggressively attacked last Friday by the �in� women and I walked.

I don�t need that kind of shit in my life, and now that I am feeling better I saw what was going on there, it is not the kind of AA I wish to be a part of; it would not be good for me to do that.

Any way Tom called me as I told him what had happened and he knew I was hurt and upset even though I knew the best thing I could do for myself was walk. We had a great talk! We talked about all kinds of stuff and I talked to his daughter also. There is Brooklyn in the man�s voice, wow! I don�t know how long we talked, it was a good amount of time

but I was having such fun, I didn�t notice the time. It was like we had known each other all our lives, that�s how the talk went.

I noticed I started feeling funny after that. . . scared. I wrote a great poem that I will probably put up sometime this week end, and it will please Candora as I wasn�t going to put it up because Tom might see it, I don�t want to bumb him out because after all it is I that is dealing with loss, and right now Tom doesn�t need to go there and hopefully never will. You see Tom has Hep C and is going through interferon treatment. This is the 4th time for him, though he has a much better chance this time as he has been clean and sober for a little over a year now. His numbers are dropping, but he has not hit zero yet.

His email after the phone call said I was a very unique women, very unique. That he had not wanted to tell me how sick he felt at times but he would open up his email and there would always be something from me and it made him feel better. How innocently we met through a poetry forum and what it has turned into now and how great it was for me to be his friend. Then later he finally told me how bad he does feel at times. A lot I could relate too as my body does a lot of the same things that being on interferon does to his, the interferon attacks his body; my body attacks it�s self. We have a lot in common, I consider him my friend.

He has Hep C . . . he could die. That�s the bottom line for me I realized, another loss to deal with; and my chest hurt as Michael and I talked about this. I believe God put Tom in my life, Tom came to me; he liked my writing. No I didn�t have to reply, but I replied to a lot of people that day, but Tom came back and he stayed. Now we have a recovery site together, and a friendship. Do I want to throw this all away? No, I don�t, and especially not because of the past events in my life that have come back up ripping through my heart again so that I may finally be free of them forever.

I want to be Tom�s friend, I don�t want to let the fear run my life anymore. I think about all I would have missed out on already if I had stopped answering him when he told me he had Hep C. Already I would have missed out on a lot, because he is a lot; so much more then that zero to me. I have grown because I know him, I have done new things, met new people, different worlds have opened up to me; all because he is my friend. I let him in how about that. I think these things are happening for him also. I am willing to go through his pain with him, not because he could die, but because he is my friend; even if it scares me sometimes.

There have been so many losses that have come up again, Grant, my brother, the loss of my husband and marriage due to a cult, so many more.

when people find out about how much loss has gone down in my life so far, to date, they can�t believe I am still here and made it through. Even Michael was blown away by all the loss in my life since I was born. I remember a friend asked me once: �Melissa you have had so much loss in your life (I was then 28), why do you stay, why do you keep going?� I didn�t know then and couldn�t answer him.

I think I can answer that now, maybe. I keep going because even with all the bullshit that goes on life is a wonderful adventure full of amazing events, things, and people. It really is if you are willing to open your heart to it. Yes, it can be painful at times but I just put one foot in front of the other and go as best as I can. I�m not ready to leave it yet even though my head tells me at times I am. I know that God has more amazing things for me to see and touch and feel and love . . . yes love . . . I keep going to return the love that has been given to me, the most beautiful moments in my life were because I let my self love and be loved no matter what the out come would be or could be or wasn�t. I�m gonna get back to that now, it�s about time I think. Oh and Candora/Candoor, you do what you feel you need to do about and with her. I love you and I just didn�t want to see you fall again because I was afraid you wouldn't be able to come back. I�ve learned that sometimes we have to fall in order to be able to pick ourselves up again; in order to be able to love again.

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