I know that I should continue writing about my trip, but so much has been happening since I got back. I find myself wanting to write about that instead.

“Always Remember,” it said at the end of an email I got today from my sis Tammy; “Always remember: When you are down to nothing, God is up to something!” Perfect.

You see last Sunday I was down to nothing, destructive thoughts ran wild in my head and total being; I didn’t act on them deciding to just ride them out instead. I had gotten to the place where I could no longer take what is going on in this house, nor my marriage. I was afraid to say anything as I did not know how hubby would react. 3 years ago when we talked about divorce.... he fell apart. I also did not know if he would go the other way and I would be out and out with no job, no health insurance, and no where to live.

I also had on top of this that my Mother’s Birthday was coming up on the 3rd and then my first time in 45 years of a Mother’s day with out her. Michael has also left me a message that hit my phone when I got to Phoenix about clearing up what happened between us. I had started shaking when I heard his voice I remember. “oh yea, Michael, my homework....” I remember thinking. I didn’t realize that while standing in the Phoenix airport, listing to all my messages, dreading landing in Seattle, that “nothing” was starting to begin there. In 2 1/2 hours I really did fly from the light into the darkness..... of my life, trying hard not to think about it. It was more pleasant to think about the good-buy kiss I received at the Havasu airport.....

The nice man next to me had a migraine, the plane had to wait to have a part replaced..... I didn’t ask which one. The sky became night and my window seat became meaningless, the drink carts started to roll down the Isle; “I could have a drink and no one would know....” I remember thinking. Yes the darkness I was flying through and to started there in Phoenix, and kept getting darker and darker until I could see no light by Sunday; where I began this entry.

(Oh, in case your wondering.... I ordered a diet coke with ice and nothing else in it.)

By Monday It really all hit me and I found relief by not being able to control my crying. Hubby called and could tell I had been crying and asked why. “Well it’s Mom’s birthday soon and the Mother’s Day thing.” I blurted out. “anything else?” he asked. “Our Marriage, I don’t want to be married anymore.” I blurted out again while trying not to cry. “I thought so,” he said calmly. This opened up the door for conversation, and believe it or not, it went really well...... finally he had gotten to a place where he could handle and agreed that a divorce was best for the both of us.

It will be a little while and I won’t get thrown out into the street, we are room mates now and he understands that. We do talk more now that the stress is out of the air, I will say that. It doesn’t feel so dark and icky in the house any more. This helps a lot. I am looking forward to the big future that is starting to open up in front of me more now, then having it scare the shit out of me! I am truly excited about it and exploring the wonderful nooks and crannies and paths that God and Goddess put in front of me, for me. I think it will be one hell of an adventure!

So after I put this up it’s back to my Resume and trying to get caught up on my letters till the Sunday paper hits the stands. You know the “unknown,” isn’t really that scary anymore to me and I truly have found out through all the love and support that I have received through the last few years that it really is how you decide to look at it. I have a big, bright future in front of me, no I don’t know where it’s going to take me.... but I’m going to let it take me!

Oh yes, my home work.... Michael.... I’ll get around to it in the next few days, we played phone tag a lot this week but finally hooked up. . . . I got to go into the Woods over at Gretel’s place to write about that..... well sooner or later I’ll find my way there, you know I will, I might have to clear the path out a little first, to end up in my little cottage.......... Here I go now...... “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to life I go....”

(Don’t forget to whistle. Come on, you know how to whistle. . . just put your lips together and blow! EVERYBODY! Hi ho, Hi ho...... )

previous - next