I want to sleep, but I am writing. So much to up date, so many things have happened since my last up date. I see Diaryland had a nuclear melt down over the week end. I stayed off and didn’t write to do my part to help Andrew out. Poor Andrew he must have just about went insane! Servers are servers and sometimes they serve and sometimes they don’t. Not Andrew’s fault at all, could happen anywhere at any time.

I want to sleep, I am tired. The pollen here isn’t helping that. Mostly I want to sleep because I had a real bad attack yesterday. I haven’t had one that bad since I started taking the paxil. Lucky it was my day to see Dr. McDavid and so I just tried to do everything I could just to make it to his office. It also didn’t help that I was so upset that I was having such a bad attack.... I thought I was done with it but then medication only helps, it doesn’t take away the things hiding in the darkness of my mind.

It was all about the fact that I am going to Arizona at the end of April. Not to get “the fuck out of town,” this time, but because I need to do this for me. Not running away from here this time, but taking a big step to regain my life back. I want to meet Charley and I want to see the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it since I saw a photo of it in National Geographic when I was a little girl. I want to stand there with a friend and look out over the beauty and vastness of it and be in awe of the in credibleness of time and Nature.

I melted down yesterday, scared, real fear. I couldn’t understand it. I use to do this all the time, get on a plane to meet my pen pals, or they would come and visit me. Thought it was because Charley and I kind of like each other and are a lot alike about things. Thought it might be because we have now also moved to the phone to communicate, thought it might be because he is a boy and I am a girl. Then the age difference thing came into my head too. Things just ran through my head like a stampede on a cattle drive bashing into the walls of the canyon pass through my mind. Some how I managed to stay up right and not get too trampled on by the dark hooves of my mind.

I wanted to sit on the floor in the corner in Dr. McDavids office.... he wouldn’t let me. I wanted to assume my defensive position so bad and I was amazed at how fast that little girl inside me wanted to get ready to punch and kick and scream “You’re not going to hurt me!” at the boggie man coming at her to do bad things to her, that it made me disassociate some what. I haven’t done that too much in a while either. I could hear her screaming in my head and see her lashing out, terrified, to protect herself even though she could not for very long. Had I hit the floor Dr. McDavid would have seen a whole other side of me..... he would have then been talking to ANNIE and having to deal with a 4 or 5 year old. Still don’t want him to see that, but I did let him see as much of my attack that I felt comfortable with letting him see; progress. Usually I would have just not shown up, leaving the locked door locked instead of walking through it to gain more freedom through the pain that it brings me.

I didn’t really get to why my attack was happening, though we did talk about a lot of things and it was a painful but good session. It didn’t really click until I ended up at Ellen’s house after. Told her what I thought the problem was...... she gave me “that” smile. I love and hate “that” smile she gives me at moments like we were having, it means she knows what my real problem is and she is about to nail me with questions until I get down to it. “When was the last time you went to see a friend by yourself on a plane?” she says. “I don’t remember, it’s been so long.” I replied. “It hasn’t been that long, when was the last time!” she asked again “I don’t remember, I’ve just been going places with Ann.” I was getting frustrated and my chest was hurting by now. “you went to San Francisco.” she informed me.... “Oh Shit!” was my reply.

I went to San Francisco to see my friend George. It was his birthday in October right after 9/11. He had been very ill and every one, even his doctors thought he wouldn’t be around much longer. He is the leader of the kung-fu school my husband goes to. All hell broke loose after that and a darkness fell upon my life and marriage that I would never wish on any one, no matter what. I was dealing with a Cult and George was the maker of it. Every one including George blamed it on the master here but he was only a victim of George's darkness too; George’s wing man and scapegoat, his protection from being seen for what he really is.

So now is the time to say that my husband is back buddy buddy with George since last June..... just shortly before the time I started really fearing Michael and running away from him..... yea, I know, need to do something about that too.

I felt so much better when Ellen got me to see it all, in all it’s ugliness.... I felt way better. I’ll be getting on that plane at the end of April and I will be doing something I have always wanted to do; stand there and listen to the wind dance through the Grand Canyon and feel the power of it all, inside my heart and soul; and I'll be holding Charley’s hand.

Their is so much more to write about hear and there..... hopefully I will get caught up in the next few days, but I really need to take a nap now.

I am tired.....

beyond belief.

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