Where to start..... where to start.... so much has been going on this past week, and next week I am like busy beyond belief! No kidding, really.... for someone who has trouble going out and being social, I’m pretty booked up.

Well after my epiphany I went and saw Dr. McDavid.... found out I am in managed care! Now it’s not that Dr. McDavid thinks I am so bad off that I’ll end up in the hospital, cause that’s what managed care is for; trying to keep people from having to be in the hospital, it’s that he want’s me to take the Coping skills class. It’s for managed care client to hopefully keep them out of the hospital. I start class on Monday. Don’t know how I really feel about it, but I’m going. Guess I am just trying to feel nothing about it so I can just go and not have to go through a freak out about it.

It wasn’t too bad between sessions only had 2 times where I thought about or wanted to cut that’s real good for me as it was mostly 24/ 7 and has been for a while. I guess it’s weekly with Dr. McDavid also because of my history past and present. He has gotten me first on the list at the Dialytic Behavioral clinic, so when they get more supervisors I will get set up their. Things seem to be moving right along and falling into place... finally!

So we talked about my epiphany, transference is the term, forgot about that from college. Moved on to that I wanted to go see some of my friends this year but was afraid that something would happen or be said ect... and I would start doing what I did to Michael.... don’t want that to happen anymore. So then we got into seeing my men friends alone, being married thing. What is the difference I asked him if I see my God Daughter east of the mountains or I go see Tommy in New York or Ric in Florida, or Charley in AZ? Well I am sure you know what it came down to..... the dreaded S....E....X! Well Tommy can’t with all the meds he's on, Ric wouldn’t find me sexually attractive no matter how hornie he is... okay Charley would be a problem cause I’m right up his alley and he’s told me so. But he is 70, though you wouldn’t know it, and I’d kind of be afraid I’d kill him in bed! So where is the problem? Society is so weird to me at times. If I was single I could go and do all of them and no one would say anything, in fact every one would think that’s what I was going for right? If I came home and said I didn’t do any of they, people would think that odd cause they are all fine looking men. I think it’s one of those damned if I do and damned if I don’t sort of things rather I was married or not, a pain in the ass if you ask me.

Why is it people don’t believe that men and women can be friends? I have never understood this. It is possible you know. Through out my life I have had, and still do, some really wonderful men friends, and even when I was single I did not have sex with them rather we wanted to or not. I’ll get off the soap box now, but it really is possible.

Any way it all led in to trust..... wasn’t too thrilled about that nor the homework he gave me. I realize I have no guidelines, so to speak, of how I know rather to or not trust someone. The people I did trust, should have been able to trust, and how “loved” me ended up abusing me. I haven’t a clue and boy did my chest start hurting. I never trusted Michael even though I though I did some what. I do trust Dr. McDavid but I can’t tell you why. So I have to develop an internal check list to help me determine who I can trust, with the doctor as my guide. I have to do lists of characteristics that I feel promote trust of another person and those that suggest distrust. I haven’t a clue, openness is all I have come up with so far. I know I have to do this because I don’t know who to trust anymore really, so for the most part I don’t trust very many people. Not a great way to be, now is that; you miss a lot of life and love, friendship, joy, and wonder being this way.

The Ann was here and we went out and slummed around, had a nice dinner and lot’s of yakking till she flew out the next after noon. She will be back next week for a few days before she goes back over the mountains. She went to see a friend in MN, it was 17 degrees their today, it was 60 here. I am also going to read Bridget's favorite book to her class next week as she is the citizen of the week and family is encouraged to come in. I think that will be a lot of fun. So I am expanding my horizons and you know it’s really not as hard as I thought it would be, I seem to be doing okay with it so far. So I’m just going to keep doing what is put in front of me to do with out trying to over think it or becoming a slave to the fear. I think that’s a pretty good thing to try and do.

What the hell, if it doesn’t work out I can resort back to long hot bubble baths or a straight jacket again eh? I know how she feels. (had to have it!)

previous - next