So.... Why am I here? No I don’t mean at the big D where Andrew and Sammy lovingly take such good care of us and our words; I mean the big L... Life. I mean have you ever asked yourself that, why are you here? Go on ask yourself that and see what happens way deep down inside; I mean waaaaaay deep down inside.

Why am I here? I shouldn’t be, but here I still am typing out the words that pound in my head till they slide down into my fingers and end up here. Here.... I am here, not there, here; why? As many times as I have been abused, beaten, raped, tried to take my own life, all the alcohol poisoning, all the pills, all the grave heart breaks, all the illness, all the driving with people who were way more wasted then I was, the struggle of being born too early and a doctor that neglected me; I shouldn’t be here, yet here I am.

I have seen the ugliness of the world, mine and others and the knife goes in deeper and deeper into my heart, yet here I am. I have felt many times that I just can’t take any more, wouldn’t, won’t; yet here I am. I have lost so many people I love in my short life that I am surprised some one hasn’t put me in a straight jacket again, or that I am not a babbling total nut case; yet here I am. I have seen the beautiful side of love, but mostly I’ve seen the real ugly side of it; yet here I am. Why?

I shouldn’t be here and I have felt this way maybe since birth, at least since I was 3 or 4 years old. Nor, I realize, do I really want to be here way deep down inside. It’s kind of a weird place to be sort of like camping out at night and you hear those damn misquotes flying around you until they make you insane. So you hunker down and pull your sleeping bag over your head making a safe, soundless, bite less, barrier from their world. It’s hot in there and you wonder if a bear come would I be able to hear it? It’s all so really hard to breathe sleeping like that, but there you are in total darkness, praying for the light, wishing you’d gotten into the lake and wash your self clean. Yea, that’s how it feels; no air, smelly, dark, dirty, a false sense of safety and security, always wishing you could go home. Wondering why you ever came in the first place.

I’m tired, it’s late. or real early depending on how you want to look at it, and I am now breaking out in hives; yet I am here and I go on. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some wonderful, beautiful moments in my life and I have learned a lot and continue to do so, but man it’s been a hell of a journey to get to 45! A journey that if it was planed by a tour guide, I shoot them and take my money back! I made no plans ever for my life and I really have no goals for the future, that has always been clouded in endless darkness. It’s just pretty much black for me right now... the future.

Their was a time I was planning to be a therapist and planning to spend my life with a person I love totally; heart, head, soul. Two years of looking ahead seeing nothing but love and happiness. Death and then my drinking put a big damper on that. Only two years out of a lifetime, God that’s depressing. I think I have always felt trapped in life, yes I have related life to being trapped and then beaten or abused or raped. So being I’m not big on chewing off my leg, mostly because I wouldn’t have any left by now, I listen for the hunter to come and end it all, some times I am both the prey and the hunter and then things get real interesting.

The problem being is that even in all this insanity, new creative things are coming out. Things I thought I could never do, though Dr. McDavid assures me that “I” do them. their are new things I want to learn about and I’m surprised about all this and then on the other hand I think, “why bother.” I see now that after years of abuse and ugliness I have even become trapped in my own mind. So I’m thinking if I could just answer that question, why am I here, then the shouldn’t be would get left behind and I could just get on with doing life here and now, instead of the alternative. So why am I here? I shouldn’t be, and my bags have always been packed even though I have nowhere to go except back to where I came from never missing looking forward again.

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