“And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own.”

~U2~

Their is this saying in AA: “Fake it, Till you make it.” I had forgotten about it until the above song was played on the radio this evening. It was a very fitting new song for me to hear at the time I did, I had just gotten home from my session with Dr. McDavid. Even though he did not word it like the saying I have been seeing on the walls of the AA halls for almost half my life, what he did say rang true for me in a simpler way; fake it till you make it.

We talked about a lot of thing, I mean A LOT! I thought Michael use to over whelm me... wow! He ain’t got nothing on Dr. McDavid! My head was spinning all the way home. So much so that I had to take a little nap! He gives homework too! (yuck). Any way.... Fake it, till you make it... hum.

So I have to look in the mirror, and what do you see when you look in a mirror; your self of course. Well unless you are a Vampire, but let’s not go there tonight. I see me... that’s it, just me. I don’t see ANNIE or Clarie or Peggy.... just me. So I am to say now “I” did the cutting, “I” have the bad thoughts, “I” do the paintings and drawings; getting the drift? Together not divided.... hum, that’s going to be hard this has been 40 years in the making. I just don’t see it that way so as I said: “I’m going to have to fake it, till I make it... big time!”

He tricked me too.... He asked me to make a commitment that “I” would not do any cutting until our next session. I said I would try real hard to do this, while “my” head was thinking I just want to get out of here and do it. I did say yes I would try... then he tells me he won’t be in next week so I have to try to keep the commitment for two weeks! Oh yea... Dr. McDavid and I are going to get along just fine in our short time together! The sneaky @#*%$!

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