Well things are moving along quite nicely and pretty fast. I think some one is looking out for me in a big way.... maybe several. I feel a little safer now as I begin this new journey to becoming me.

I was not eligible for the study, and the referred people did not work on sliding scale. I really felt I needed a therapy contact until I could go see the man in Bellevue. So I left a message asking Dr. McDavid is he could hook me up with some one till I could transfer outside my HMO. He hooked me up with himself! Isn’t that so cool!

Like I said before; “funny how the one who has seen me the least, is the one to help me the most.” He had to get special permission to do this and it can only be for a short time, but isn’t that just rockin’! I have always felt comfortable around Dr. McDavid and not afraid to go and see him, well except that one time Michael freaked me out about it, but still when I got there I was fine with it. Any way I will not be left to my own devises until I can transfer, yea I know.... good thing.

I don’t know why the destructive behavior is coming back, it has been years since ANNIE has been so dominate in my life. I do know that I never tried to understand her nor deal with her before.... I just hid her away as best I could. It’s getting hard at my age now to do that and I don’t want to go back into the darkness of when she had a lot of control over me in my 20’s. I think I’d just rather pull the trigger then go back to that in my life again. This time I am able to finally admit there is a problem and I’m scared about it. This time I don’t have to drink and drug it away till it goes back into the dark reassess of my mind where I can ignore and forget she exists.

So I’ve cut my nails real short and put Caladryl on my winter rash on my legs every day. ANNIE likes to scratch it till it bleeds. I put all the scissors away in drawers so they are not visible or easy to reach. I haven’t been doing a lot of cooking where the prep involves using a knife and the guns in the house are still dismantled. I am also trying to pay attention when I start feeling like I am going to disassociate, and I make sure I take my med. Also trying to not get too tired because then I can loose ground on the control field. You can’t believe how much ANNIE zaps my strength and energy. This time I am going to make sure the healing happens so I don’t have to go through this any more.

ANNIE did do a nice drawing for Dr. McDavid yesterday, no blood involved. I seem to be able to communicate with her slightly more. “No blood,” I said “if it’s for Dr. McDavid.” By the way Clarie did a real nice drawing about a week ago, I put it up here. I really liked it and she did it all with ash! I have the original in a protective covering now once I scaned it. I have to find some kind of spray I can put on it to preserve it, have to ask at the art store.

So life, such as it is, is moving right along. I’m going to get through this and God seems to be granting me grace to find the help I need through people and friends who care. Finally I don’t have to be alone in my head with it anymore, God you can’t imagine what a relief that is.... I don’t even know words good enough to describe it.

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