This is Difficult, well I mean things right now. So many things are happening. I sit here looking out into my yard all green and sunny with bright blue sky and I wonder how it’s all going to turn out. I wonder how long it will be before I am free from the sickness of my mind; the sickness that was caused by other’s sickness. I am determined to rise above all this into freedom, happiness, and love.

I had a talk with Dr. McDavid yesterday. It pretty much went the way I thought it would. I am going out side my HMO. He was very helpful and understanding, he want’s me to get better too, it’s just not going to happen there. I like Dr. McDavid and wish I could see him, but I can’t unless it’s for med checks or testing. It’s kind of funny you know, He has seem me the less but I think in the end he will be the one who helped me the most at my HMO.

I had all ready been checking other therapists out here in Seattle on line, sending emails to them, asking questions. I have to find someone who works on a sliding scale, and I have to find someone who can deal with the multi facets of my mind as the crowed is gathering there. I also have to find some one who can deal with destructive behavior, not being afraid of that nor the people I become. I also want some one who knows about recovery as I so don’t want to blow the time I have racked up being clean and sober. Then there is my spirituality, don’t want that swept under the carpet in psyho babble.

I am finding out that the stigma of DID/ MP still lives on even in the behavioral world. Sad isn’t that. Most I emailed didn’t even give me the courtesy of a reply, how wrong is that. But I did find a few who do work with people like me and my gut feeling has landed on one. He has no problem working with DID nor destructive behavior, and is willing to work on a sliding scale even though his normal price isn’t that bad. His credentials are great and once he explained the symbol he uses on his site it pretty much put him into a neat little package for me. Now if the tax return check would come.

Dr. McDavid suggested this to see if I could get in on the study.... sounds a little like training a dog, okay a lot to me, but I left a message and will see what they have to say. Everything would be free with the study and it sounds like they are not going to drug me out of my mind. So their may be a rolled up newspaper on stand by for me also. Dr. McDavid said I wouldn’t be the most difficult client they had their, but I would be difficult. Funny how the one who has seen me the less knows me so well. I wonder if instead of dog kibble as a reward, I could talk them into chocolate; now that would be rockin’! I’d be a good little puppy then and not chew on the therapist and spit them out one by one. I wouldn’t even snarl and bark too much or pee on the floor if chocolate was involved. Okay enough fun, moving right along.....

So that’s what’s going on in my insane little world. If I have to sell stuff, or hock stuff, or banish my husband from the checking account, I am going to do what I need to do to get better. Well okay, I won’t sell myself nor drugs again, but you know what I mean. My Spirtural guides told me before all this went down that now I would get the person I was meant to get..... I’m going to trust them, listen to my heart and gut and go with that instead of not doing that like I did with Michael. I am also not going to listen to my families advice cause that really didn’t help, and believe that my new journey that is about to begin is the right one this time. Believe that it will lead me back to life. So much of me died in this last year-and-a-half; now it’s time I get reborn.

previous - next