I’m just going to have a melt down right here on the World Wide Web. Okay, are you ready........ here goes.

I want to be my normal self again. I didn’t say normal, just normal for me. I am sick of this! I so Fucking hate it! I am mad at my HMO, and I am so anger at, and feel hurt by Michael that I could just spit or throw up all over, preferably in the waiting room at the behavioral center! Yes wouldn’t that be fun every one having to smell my barf or the shit they use to cover it up with for weeks!

You know he said he would always be their for me, and then he made a motion meaning his office. I remember it well because he wanted me to trust him and all it did was scare the shit out of me! He should have never said that to me or any client. Why? Because you don’t know that you can come through on a statement like that!!!!! So when it was put into question because of his other duties at work , that was pretty much it for me; I’d had it! I didn’t want him talking me into seeing him more, I didn’t want to see him anymore and so I refused to go in and see him. I was not going to pay $97.00 for him to refer me to someone else, he could do that with out me, it’s all paperwork any way! He wouldn’t do it and pushed it off on Dr. McDavid who has hardly seen me, while Michael had seen me for a-year-and-a-half for Christ sake! Total time with Dr. McDavid....about and hour and a half. Total time with Michael.... I couldn’t tell you but I’m guessing at least 40 hours. So much for “professional”. I mean What, did her really think I would come back and see him after all this?

Michael had some one in mind too as he said in one of his several messages to me: “and if I didn’t feel I had the quality time to give you, I would like to discuss who I thought would help you make the transition easier with you.” What trust I had developed went right out the window, I just didn’t give a shit anymore and I didn’t want the bullshit that goes between us anymore.... he makes me too tired, and causes too much pain.

I think I was more then Michael's skills could handle and so I became afraid of that and of him more and more with each session. I also could not handle his emotions on top of all mine. We had started to talk about that and it just scared me. I have never had such a hard time in therapy, though trauma has been added since the time before I went. I was afraid I would hurt Michael as it was getting harder and harder to control my alters, some even beginning to want to talk to him. I don’t want that to happen either of those things. I don’t want anyone to see them or talk to them in person! God I want to be normal... just a sec I got to sit here and cry for a minute......

Now I don’t know what to do. The med helps but doesn’t stop it all the way. I had tried to tell Dr. McDavid why I wanted a man instead of a women, but I couldn’t. I want a man because they are stronger and would be able to protect themselves and me better should ANNIE start having major problems, because I don’t know what she will do. There I said it. Nor do I know what Peggy will do (no, dear readers haven’t told you about her yet), and I, Annie-m-s-b my online name don’t want to let them hurt anyone, I would rather they hurt me then some one else. Fuck this sucks.

ANNIE’s drawings just got more and more violent towards Michael that I stopped showing them to him, and I didn’t want to go to her site with him. I’d wished I’d never told him about that too. So today I bashed my elbow on the wall when I was doing something.... it caused a big blood blister on it. ANNIE want’s to break it open and play with the blood draw figure 8’s with it over and over again. It hasn’t happen yet, but being I’m being so honest about things THIS was done with real blood. And they at the behavioral center keep concentrating on my panic/ anxiety attacks............I am beginning to think that no one knows enough their about DID to be able to help me. Yep, my panic/ anxiety attacks are the main focus and I can’t afford to go any where else and I don’t want to go there.... I don’t feel safe any where any more, just mostly at home now, mostly at home.....yea right. I think I’ll go do some puzzles on line now, that sometimes calms her down, and put a band aid on my elbow.

I'm so gonna get locked up... and that would be the end of me.....

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