Okay so I’ve been here, there, and every where. Just haven’t felt much like being here. Back issues again and what made it even harder this time was my hubby fell on the basement stairs and messed up his back. I could have done with out that and so could he. Ahhh yes, life in Annie's world.

We have been having rocking weather! Spring is here, which makes me a little nervous. I’m thinking water shortage this summer big time. The trees are budding and my bulbs are up and my allergies are CRAZY all ready! It really has been nice and I had to get the winter blankets off the bed, hence my back. Even my inheritance has wandered outside to have a sniff of the Spring air. The old bastard has been no help with my back with his always getting under my feet. “Knock it off!” and “Haven’t you died yet?” is not getting him to stay out from under my feet.

So I went to one class then hubby fell and that was that for class. It was just a relaxation class and I can do that way better now since the paxile. I also didn’t want to use my session visits for a relaxation class as I had found out that’s how it goes. That is neither here nor there now as I am not going to go to sessions for a while. You know I am just kind of sick of it. I don’t want to go through “integration,” and don’t feel like reliving all the shit that has gone down in my life right now.

I realized that the year-and-a-half of therapy I went through was very traumatic for me. Their were things that went down that put my life in danger, then the bull shit between Michael and I too. Not thrilled at how he acted at the end either. So let’s just say it has been the worst experience I have ever had in therapy even though I did learn a lot. Now why would I want to keep going nor try and trust another therapist again. They have no checks and balances so I decided to say good-by, good-riddence, catch ya later; I’ve had it. Going outside my HMO looks pretty good to me when I can afford it.

This does not mean I intend to do nothing, oh so not the case. I think about it every day and work on things. I am trying to recoop my body right now, it really has taken a beating due to all the stress, trauma, and panic/anxiety. It feels really old and I am not thrilled with that. I have also been working on getting back my Spiritual connection. Then their is my creativity and I have decided to get to know these other people I carry around inside me and become at times. I will also keep taking my medication.

You see society and the behavioral world tell me that the way I am is not right. Even Michael said when I told him about the others that “that’s not good Melissa, that’s not good.” Why? I am told they need to go away.... why? I have been carrying them around with me for so long now that I can’t imagine a life with out them. I don’t think I would be much nor happy with out them and they have kept me alive all these years. They do have creative sides that I admire and enjoy. They do have heart and child like imaginations. They love to explore and learn and create like I do, so why can’t we do that together? I want to learn to live with them not make them go away or go through integration. I believe it is possible for us to help each other heal with love and understanding so we can live together and enjoy life to it’s fullest not being afraid or traumatized any more. Why is that wrong? I just don’t understand. Maybe I am dreaming but I’m going to try any ways and that is what is important; that I at least try.

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